Some families have what I call a family curator—someone who cares for years’ worth of family photos, who is aware of the full catalog of mementos and heirlooms, and who deems it important to usher the family history forth to the next generation. In the best of scenarios they have created a semblance of organization from that family archive, and they have discussed with an interested next-of-kin who will take over the responsibility for all that stuff.
Then, there are families with no family curator.
One might think that those families have no interest in preserving their legacy, but that’s rarely the case; it’s more likely that no one has stepped into the role, that no one has even considered it “a thing,” and that collectively, the family simply takes for granted that the relics of their history will be safeguarded and passed on.
The main problem with this scenario is that when one or more family elders die, there’s often an attic full of stuff—some of it important, some of it mere junk—and, without a plan, many of those meaningful items may end up, well, in a trash pile with the junk.
Drafting an official personal property memorandum (for physical photos) and a digital estate plan (for digital photos) will ensure that a family archive gets passed on with intention—but, chances are that a family without a de facto “family curator” won’t even think of such things. So what’s that family to do in the event they inherit an overwhelming mess of stuff…that just may hold the stories and history of their ancestry?
How to sort through the boxes of memories your parents leave behind when it seems like a mess
First, realize that you needn’t do everything right away. There are many matters that do need your prompt attention when a loved one dies, but making decisions about what to keep and what to toss can be fraught with emotions that are even more potent in the wake of grief.
Consider this a basic plan of attack:
Gather all the family photos you discover in one place. That means photo albums, framed photos, loose pictures in boxes or drawers, and those in scrapbooks.
Discuss with your siblings or other family members who will take part in the sorting and curating process. Knowing up front that some people have an interest while others are happy to entrust the task to others is helpful and enables clear communication.
Decide up front to hold off on this task until everything else is taken care of. So if you have a house of furniture and a lifetime of belongings to disseminate, tackle that first. This delay provides both some emotional distance (trust me, you’ll need that) and the opportunity to discover more photos to add to the archive (they pop up in the least expected places—within the pages of a favorite book, perhaps, even under the fridge).
Helpful mindset and tips for organizing inherited family photos
When enough time has passed and all the members of your family who want to take part are available to gather, consider these things when finally diving into those inherited family photos:
Allow space for healing
Holding onto a photograph and listening to its stories can be healing. Savor the moments when a picture brings your loved one to life for you. You are not procrastinating, you are grieving. It can be helpful to go through boxes of old photos with a sibling or friend, someone to listen to your memories—or to share their own with you.
Hearing others talk lovingly of your parent—especially when you discover something new about them—is a true gift.
So set an approximate timeline for yourself to finish sorting through their family photos, but build in some time for lingering over those that speak to you.
Forgive yourself for throwing away photographs once considered precious by your parent.
Memories live on regardless of a person’s things.
Your parent or other loved one chose to surround themselves with objects they loved, things they found useful or beautiful. It is not your responsibility to take all their stuff into your home. Guard their memories instead—and cherish those photographs that elicit memories or document family history in a way that you and the next generation will truly appreciate.
Consider: Just because your dad saved 10 pictures of the dog under the Christmas tree doesn’t mean they all hold value (remember when the local one-hour photo developing storefront offered free doubles?).
Be intentional about how you dispose of them. Give to an artist who may create something lovely from your loved one’s images? Recycle them to protect their privacy? Allow your children to use them in crafting projects? There is no wrong answer.
I recommend first checking in with extended family members to see if any of them are into genealogy; they may want to scour your parent’s archives for photos that help enlighten the family history (not that you’re likely to toss the weathered black-and-whites showing your parents’ earliest history, but…). If there’s any chance that the old photos you don’t recognize hold stories that someone else might know, hold onto those at least for a while. You might be surprised by the memories and knowledge that distant family members (and old neighbors) hold—and you’d surely regret not having the photos to jog their memories when the time comes.
Organize your family photos for accessibility.
There is a certain charm in discovering a box of random family photos: That anticipation of wondering what photographic gem you might unearth is wonderful. But how much better to be able to access that very photo you are remembering right now? To know just where it is, and to be able to easily find it and share it?!
Purchase an archival storage box and sort your photos as you go through them. By labeling the groups thematically you will be able to find “that photo” the next time you want to share a tale, or just reminisce.
The more precise you can be with labeling, the better (especially identifying details: Who is in the picture? When and where was it taken?). Imagine that one day someone else will discover your archive of pictures; then leave for them a truly useful archive, one that holds meaning and values organization.
Honor the memory of your lost loved one.
Honor your loved one’s memory through the most meaningful photos.
Forget about trolling Pinterest boards for creative ideas. Now is not the time pressure yourself with unrealistic expectations. Instead, choose the photographs that hold the most meaning for you and frame them, period. Having a few special pictures within sight at home and at work can make you feel closer to your loved one.
You may want to have a particular few scanned and retouched to eliminate scratches, patch tears, or restore fading sections; this way you can enlarge smaller photos, as well. But if you are short on time, just do it!
Share memories by gifting photos to others.
Help others heal by gifting them with photographs that may hold special meaning.
Not only is the process of remembering enjoyable, but it is also healing for those who are grieving. What better gift could you give another than the evocative power of a photograph of someone they loved? If you want to give the same photo to multiple people, digitize it so you can share with each of them.
Whether you email the pictures or give them a physical memento of remembrance, know that what may seem like a simple gesture to you is likely to be a treasured gift by the recipient.
Dawn Roode, a personal historian based in northern New Jersey, helps individuals, families, and family-run businesses preserve their legacies in bespoke coffee table books.