My mother died three days after Christmas in 2009. Thirteen years have passed, and yet the sadness I feel around the holiday season persists. Honestly, my grief creeps up on me at times throughout the whole year—when I catch a glimpse of my mom’s unique sparkle in my son’s eyes, when I want to ask her how she dealt with me as a prickly teenager, when I glimpse a book or movie or even a sandwich she liked…
I was profoundly changed by my mom’s death. And I am ever more cognizant of just how valuable being there for someone who has suffered a major loss is. These are small things, but I go to services—wakes and funerals and shiva calls, celebrations of life and ten-year remembrances; and I share memories—small stories, big ones, in person, and in handwritten letters.
I purposefully ask friends how they are doing months and years after a loved one’s loss. I ask questions on holidays about what the departed would have loved (or hated) about the day, what they might have cooked or gifted or thought.
I do these things because they are the things that meant—and mean—the most to me, and because I have heard from others how valued they are.
I do these things because I know in my heart that visiting with loved ones in our memories can be a joy-filled communion, even when tears of sadness are released.
I hope that you may do the same for someone in your life this holiday season. Ask them about a relative who has passed—then listen generously, and engage with their stories. Share a memory—or two or three—about someone you loved with another person in their life. Pick up the phone to share an unexpected story, or craft a thoughtful Facebook post with an old photo of a mutual loved one.
The most cherished gifts I have ever received are stories of my mom since she has passed. I can’t be alone in this most simple of wishes, can I?
A few ideas for how to share memories of someone who has died:
See something that reminds you of the deceased? Text a photo and a phrase as simple as, “This reminded me of your sister today.”
Have you been thinking a lot about your lost loved one? Sit down to write a remembrance. It needn’t be anything major, just a reflection of what’s been coming to mind. Consider sharing it with a family member or friend of the departed who is grieving.
Are you missing someone this Christmas or Hanukkah? Pick up the phone and call someone else who loved that person. Share your feelings (“Oh how I wish Sarah was here with us to celebrate!” or “Remember that time David knocked the Christmas tree over?!”). You may be surprised how one memory leads to another, and how the sharing of stories lightens the sadness a bit—for both of you.
Buy a good old-fashioned card and send it via snail mail. This is a great option if you think you aren’t good with words, as there are beautiful sentiments of sympathy or support in preprinted cards from companies such as Hallmark or Paper Source—and just a handwritten note of a few words is enough to show you care.
Some day you may want to compile stories about your lost loved one into a tribute book (here’s a primer on just how to do that). But for now, during this holiday season, simply be there for someone who is grieving; give them the gift of memories, from your heart. They’ll welcome it, I promise.
Dawn Roode, a personal historian based in northern New Jersey, helps individuals, families, and family-run businesses preserve their legacies in bespoke coffee table books.